I have a constant, internal battle raging that I feel is starting to define me. This battle has been fought between my heart and my brain for years now. What am I here for?
What is my purpose in this life?
I struggle with this question when I compare myself to my husband. He has it figured out or so it seems. He is a natural born leader who can tell it like it is with so much tack you aren’t sure what just happened. He excels at so many things that I get lost in his shadows. He’s the one with the cool college degree, with the cool job, and is the “bread winner”. And I sit here in my jealousy of him, rolling my eyes.
Why can’t I be like him?!
I often times judge myself way too hard. I’d love to be able to do the things he has done in his 34 years so far but I can’t. I am not built like him. When I say that, I don’t mean to play the feminist card! I am saying that some people are just built differently. They are wired to be able to handle situations and react in certain ways. I am not that. But I am still jealous. I joke a lot that he constantly travels the world and I just sit at home.
My life is so boring … I just sit at home with the kids!!
I seriously just
said typed that. What is my deal? In today’s society where women can’t stay home like they would like to, I don’t work and just hang out with my kids. He spends a lot of time working to provide for us. He gives us an amazing life and a lifestyle that I should be completely grateful and thankful for. And I Am! Yet I am still unhappy.
In the last 6 weeks or so, I have taken a lot of time “off”. I practically stopped blogging. I haven’t really taken any photos. And I have almost completely vanished from my social media accounts. In the last 2 weeks, I have really been reevaluating my life and my purpose. In that time, I’ve limited my online exposure and the amount of time I spend in general scrolling through feeds and photos. I only logged on to my desktop to do the budget and pay the bills. I kind of like it.
What have I been doing?
I have been binge watching food documentaries with my kids. I’ve taken my Luna for walks and laid on the floor way too much with her. I’ve taken my kids on a mini road trip. We’ve been to the zoo. We’ve been to museums. We’ve checked out tons of books from the library. I’ve fallen asleep quite a bit on the couch reading said books to them. We’ve snuggled and slept in to 10am on most mornings. We make waffles together and laugh. We have snapped beans on the living room floor. We learned to play cricket with our neighbor’s in the street. We jump on the trampoline. We go to the beach. We garden. They help me do the chores. We talk about life, video games, loose teeth, YouTube, movies, and friends. We connect.
In a recent text conversation with Marty I came to realize what my purpose on this planet is … to be a wonderful mom for my kids. That sounds completely and utterly ridiculous. However, it’s my responsibility to teach them (homeschool) as well as care for them. I also have to make sure that I raise them to be great people.
I may not be on social media much or blog like I want to. I may never take another photo for friends either. However, you can find me with my kids. We’ll be doing kid things. We’ll be learning, laughing, and having fun.